“A Year Without Internet”

If you read this or many other blog sites, have email or Facebook, or surf the web on a regular basis, you have probably questioned yourself if you’ve been on the internet too much, if you truly need it in your life, if your life would be better without it, or if too much internet is the key to all of your problems.

This is an interesting article by a man who was a heavy internet user. He disconnected from the internet for a year and got paid by his employer to write about it. What I found intriguing was that he concluded that the internet itself was not the cause of his problems. He realized that he could make wise or unwise use of his time with or without the internet.

Each of us has to find that balance in our own way; how to use our time wisely whether we are wired to the world, or unplugged. For me, I realize that I have always been a reader. If I am in a grocery line I am grabbing magazines. If I am waiting at the doctor’s office, I either have a book or read magazines. If I am at your house visiting and you go do something for five minutes I will probably find something to read. The internet and my smartphone allow me to read like I always have – just using a different medium.

There are times I deliberately leave my phone at home if Sharon and I go out, knowing that our kids can reach us on her phone. There are times I go for a walk and look at my phone very little. I am finding more and more times when I my put my phone on silent, not just vibrate, at night so that I don’t hear every ding from incoming texts and e mails so that I get a break from it.

What insights has this article sparked in you about how to wisely manage your internet and non-internet life? What steps have you taken to keep your internet use in balance with the rest of your life?

Marriage Promises Compared to Loan Promises

Traditional marriage vows, which are used or slightly modified by a high percentage of couples getting married, go something like this, “I, (name), take you (name), to be my (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, from this day forward until death us do part.”

Traditionally the man speaks his vows first and then the woman. Notice that there are no if’s, and’s, or but’s, and no escape clauses. Notice the man makes his promises before the woman makes any promises, and her promises are not conditional upon him filling his promises. Also notice that the length of time for the vow is “until death do us part.”

Now compare this to common language used in Loan Agreements for cars, equipment, mortgages for houses, etc.

I happened to pull out my Loan Agreement from John Deere Financial for my tractor. It reads in part, “You agree to pay us the amount financed, together with finance charges from the date finance charges begins at the annual percentage rate, by remitting each of the installment payments on or before the due dates indicated.” Then in CAPS it states “YOUR PAYMENT OBLIGATIONS ARE ABSOLUTE AND UNCONDITIONAL, AND ARE NOT SUBJECT TO CANCELLATION, REDUCTION, OR SETOFF FOR ANY REASON WHATSOEVER”.

In other words, it does not matter if I don’t like the tractor, if I bought the tractor too big or too small, or even if John Deere sold me a lemon tractor, or if I have a bad crop or if crop prices are low, I have promised John Deere Financial that I will pay them. Period.

Then later in the contract they have a whole section about default, i.e. if I don’t pay them, and then even more sections about remedies for them if I did not pay, which include them taking the tractor back, selling it, and charging me for any loss they take, and attorneys fees, etc. etc. These kinds of clauses are in almost every loan or mortgage you sign.

I think many couples go into the marriage with the intention of it being a very serious life long comitment with no outs, but then when things get tough, they start looking for the escape clauses like they are used to in every loan. However, if you really look at the promises that they said to each other, there are no escape clauses. Those are the promises that they said to each other in front of God, family and friends.

Getting a marriage license from the state allows you to get legally married, but the actual act of getting married is the promises you make to each other in front of someone sanctioned by the state to sanction those promises you make to each other.

In my mind, if you are a Christian, when you are facing a divorce there are three key things to think about in deciding what to do. They are, “What does the Bible say about marriage and divorce?” “What promises did I make?” and “What are the rules of my state?”.

I have blogged about the Bible’s view on marriage and divorce and the laws on marriage and divorce at other times, so today I just wanted to focus on the promises that couples typically make.

One thing we know from scripture is that God takes promises very seriously. Proverbs 20:25 (Amplified Bible) says, “It is a snare to a man to utter a vow [of consecration] rashly and [not until] afterward inquire [whether he can fulfill it]“.

What do you think about the permanence of the marriage vows?

Divorce Law in Ohio: An Overview

I am not a lawyer, and during our 16-month marital separation I never hired a family law attorney. We did hire a professional divorce mediator and I had extensive talks with her and I did some reading. Each state is different but I think a lot of principles are very similar from state to state.

In Ohio you can get a voluntary dissolution. This is where both husband and wife agree on all issues as far as property division, child support, visitation, etc. and then ask the judge to dissolve their marriage.

You can also have a legal separation in Ohio. You can both agree to stay married but live separately and you agree on the issues such as property settlement, child support, and visitation, then you ask the judge to grant a legal separation. The main difference between a legal separation and a dissolution or divorce is that while you are legally separated you cannot remarry.

Also in Ohio, you can file for divorce. A divorce is basically a lawsuit between husband and wife. The judge will hear all the evidence from both husband and wife and then he will make a ruling as to the property division, child support, visitation, etc. My understanding is that Ohio is a no-fault divorce state so that if one partner wants out of a marriage, eventually they will get their divorce regardless of whether their partner wants one.

Ohio does a little known and little used clause in it’s divorce laws where one party can ask the judge to order counseling for the couple. It is up to the judge’s discretion as to whether to make that order or not.

In Ohio you can use a mediator outside of the court to help both parties come to an agreement on all the issues. I do not know the law well enough to know if the judge can order mediation or not.

My general understanding is that the starting point for calculating child support is a formula that looks at the incomes of each partner, where the child would be living and many other things. The judge can rule something different after hearing all of the circumstances.

I know this blog is read by people in many states and countries so I urge you to check your local laws. Hopefully, what I have shared is a good starting point to help you know what questions to ask in your own jurisdiction.

The Power of Facebook’s “Like”

The other day I made a post on Facebook and I realized that I had a feeling of being encouraged when a couple of people liked it. I started thinking, “Why would such a simple thing as a Facebook like give me a positive boost? I don’t think of myself as an attention junkie. Maybe I am one and don’t know it.”

I think it may be that it is just an indication that someone cared enough about me as a person to take time to read my thoughts and to click like to let me know. It is especially encouraging when I see likes from people I don’t know well or haven’t seen for a while or with whom I have had a rocky relationship. I also get encouraged on Sharon’s behalf when she posts something and several people like it.

On the flip side, I can also find joy in liking someone’s Facebook post. Having family and friends all across the theological and political spectrum there are times someone may get into a mode of posting several things that irk me because we see life so differently. Or maybe I have been in a conflict with someone and don’t have lots of warm fuzzy feelings about them right now. Being able to just like a post of theirs reminds me that although there maybe much in life we don’t agree upon, for at least one post, there is something we can.

I also got to thinking about the power we have with our spouses, children or friends to just pay a very simple compliment which may encourage them that day.

A Good Day Not In Front of a Divorce Judge

During some of the bleakest times of our separation I finally came to a peace that every day not standing in front of a divorce judge was a good day. I learned that sometimes when a person gets way down emotionally they have to hold onto the tiniest shred of hope to make it through one more day.

Sharon had discussed filing for divorce against my wishes, we had tried mediation and that had broken down, and so we had gone into a time of minimal communication. We communicated about the essentials in the farm business since she paid the bills and I managed the farm and did a lot of the work. We communicated minimally about our children. Otherwise there was little happening between us.

I was desperately lonely and hurt and wanting back together and fighting to overcome hopelessness and depression. The many things that I had tried to help us get back together seemed to be of no help. Finally, at some point, I was able to tell myself, “I am alive and life is worth living. I don’t know what life will look like in the future, but we are not in front of a divorce judge today so there is still hope for our marriage. Today is a good day.”

 

Marriage Miracle

I really liked this post from a blog called Giving Up On Perfect. The key sentence to me was “Except…it wasn’t like every other time” towards the end of the blog post.

Sharon and I truly believe Jesus did a miracle in reconciling our marriage. That doesn’t mean we are blissfully happy 365/24/7, but I believe one of the miracles is that when we encounter issues now that have dogged us for years, we seem to have a new ability to talk through them to a better resolution than in the past and we don’t go through the multiple days of being disconnected like we used to. We are so thankful for the new attitudes Jesus has put in our hearts towards each other and the tools that He has brought to us from many different sources.

What miracle has Jesus given to you or what miracle do you pray to have in your marriage?

Confessions of a Marriage Blogger

My fellow bloggers have been doing some confessions lately at One Flesh Marriage, The Generous Wife, Hot, Holy and Humorous, The Romantic Vineyard, and Intimacy in Marriage. I got inspired to share also.

1. I get very frustrated when my blogging platform, WordPress, changes menus and things around. When I park my tractor in the barn at night and go back in the morning the gearshift and throttle are still where they were last night when I parked it. Now if John Deere does a software upgrade on the electronics on the tractor GPS it can be just as frustrating as WordPress, especially if I am fired up to plant that day.

2. I go through lots of blogging dry spells. I will get on a roll and have a lot to say but then I will either have nothing to say. Sometimes I just don’t have the time and energy to say it, or I don’t take the time and energy to say it.

3. I write most of this blog but my wife does much of the fixing of my sentence structure and grammar. If you read this before her edits you would be either confused or cringe.

4. At times my wife will read what I wrote and have to come ask me what in the world I am talking about.

5. Once in a while she will send a post back to me because she doesn’t have a clue as to what I am trying to say and can’t make sense of it – although it probably seemed perfectly clear to me.

6. I really appreciate seeing visitors to the blog from around the world.

7. It means a lot to me when we get respectful comments.

8. Our marriage still goes through ups and downs. The difference before our separation until now is that now one of us will realize that we are heading the wrong way and will remind us that we know better and don’t have to live the old way. We remind each other to  use the principles and tools that we teach others. We get back on track a lot quicker than we did in the past.

9. I am impressed with the number of great marriage blogs available.

10. Someday I think I should spend time linking to more marriage blogs.

11. Sometimes I wonder if I am making a difference blogging, but I try to remember that Jesus is my Audience of One, and I want to please Him in what I say.

12. I appreciate our readers and I hope that at least one person every day gets at least one helpful idea, or one more ounce of hope for their marriage and life.

13. My best think time is on the tractor, but those are the nights that by the time I get home I don’t have the energy to blog.

14. I love it when Sharon does a post. I think they are great.